I spend too much time in my own head.
I run in lots of circles.
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i am constantly on edge. i keep my door locked at night. i don’t save any passwords on my computer. the tiniest sounds keep me from falling asleep or cause me to lose focus on what i am doing so i need a fan on at all times. i stay awake until i can’t keep my eyes open anymore - even if that means being awake for days. i flinch if someone moves their arms or hands too quickly. i am always waiting, observing, and expecting the worst.
i am trying to heal. i am healing. having people in my life who want to build community and heal through it and who have space for an outlook that is not often chipper is a blessing i am grateful for. but healing comes in baby steps, and so does building community - sometimes we inadvertently re-injure each other by how we talk about each other’s wounds. sometimes we ask “why are you so angry?” or another question instead of “why are hurting right now?”.
but the more we have compassion for each other and know that we’re all trying our best, the further we can be within the spectra of community and healing.
"Uncontrollable disruptions or distortions of attachment bonds precede the development of post-traumatic stress syndromes. People seek increased attachment in the face of danger. Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and, threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love. Trauma can be repeated on behavioural, emotional, physiologic, and neuroendocrinologic levels. Repetition on these different levels causes a large variety of individual and social suffering. Anger directed against the self or others is always a central problem in the lives of people who have been violated and this is itself a repetitive re-enactment of real events from the past. Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control. Gaining control over one’s current life, rather than repeating trauma in action, mood, or somatic states, is the goal of healing.”
I realize finally that I am not evil.
I’m writing here because I haven’t been able to go to therapy, and I have no other way to talk about my feelings, and I really need to in order to keep from hurting myself.
My depression has been getting worse. Much worse. Something happened, I don’t know what exactly, that made it so that all the fantasies and lies I used to tell myself to keep myself going just dissolved in an instant. I know my recent decline is due to the anxiety medication I’ve been taking. I just can’t think a happy thought. I can’t see myself as anything but intrinsically fucked in the head. I can’t see myself anywhere a year from now but dead or alone in a room in some city feeling more trapped and more miserable and even more damaged than I am right now. Everything is triggering me right now. Everything.
I am seeing a psychiatrist on Thursday. The thought terrifies me. All doctors, clinics, hospitals - they terrify me. I know how they work and what they’re capable of because I watched them mutilate my mother, physically and emotionally, and then treat my dad with condescension and inhumanity. I don’t trust their medications, their concern, or anything about their process. I’m nauseous writing this even thinking about it. I just can’t do nothing.